Friday, March 31, 2017

~why i'm not letting my son play with your son~


A bit of a departure from my usual posts, but it's been something we've been dealing with.  And you know sometimes writing it out makes you feel better.


Why I’m Not Letting My Son Play With Your Son

My son can be a jerk.

Sometimes he doesn’t share.  He’ll quit a game if it doesn’t go his way.  He’ll rat you out in a heartbeat.  Some might argue this is typical behavior for a 9 year old.  I say, no, he’s being a jerk.

While that statement certainly won’t win me any Mother of the Year awards, it still gives me comfort.  How?  Because I know each episode is a teachable moment.  He’ll be punished.  He’ll lose privileges.  He’ll cry and tell me I’m the meanest mother in the world.  And I’ll smile because I know that one of my jobs as a mother is to help make him a productive member of society.

I’m a realist.  I don’t sugarcoat much.  If you’re acting like a jerk, I’ll call you out on it. 

But along with the negatives is a little boy who says “please” and “thank you.”  He has a laugh that is contagious.  He will ask you if you’re okay if you get hurt on the playground.  He’ll protect a helpless bug or animal, and he will give you a shoulder to cry on.  He’s a good friend to have.

So when your son – a now former friend – took to tormenting him daily in school and on the bus, it hurt.  Big time.  It hurt me as a mom and it hurt my son who didn’t know why or how it was happening.  He stood his ground though and gave back as good as he got.  Yet, when I let you know what was happening, you turned the tables.  Your son became the victim.  You believed every word that came out of his mouth – even after you were told other people confirmed what was really going on.

I’ve heard excuses like, “He’s sooooo smart and that’s why he doesn’t get along with other kids his age” or “Well, he was born in November so he’s younger than everyone in his grade.”  I’ve heard “My son doesn’t use those words” or “He does his homework on the bus, how could he be bothering your son?”  I’ve heard it all and I cry B.S.

So Mom, YOU are the reason I won’t let my son play with your son anymore.  If you had just acknowledged that your son could be a jerk too, we could get past this.  But you can’t accept that your son might not be perfect (I know mine isn’t).  Your son might use words like “idiot” or “stupid.”  Your son might be poking and pushing other kids.  Your son might actually be the cause of some problems.  Yes, I know it’s a bitter pill to swallow.  But if you could just get out of your state of denial, you, too, might want to take advantage of these teachable moments. 

Yes, my son can be a jerk.  But yours can be too.  It doesn’t mean you’ve failed.  It means you’re a mother.

Jeanine

4 comments:

NanaDiana said...

Oh such truth in these words. We had a granddaughter that was bullied mercilessly...and she was a sweet kid and thus, a target. I felt horrible for her. On the other hand, we had a son when he was in school that had a mean sense of humor and hid behind the words, "Well, it was just a joke."...it wasn't he, too, was a mean kid in those moments.
Good call, Mom. Good call. The sad thing is that the person that needs to read this words will probably never see them...and...if she does, she won't believe it applies to her. Hugs- Diana

crisdsanchez said...

You are such a good Mom!

Celestina Marie said...

This is such a wonderful post and I agree with you completely. You are such a great mom and to take a stand and put this in writing is incredible. I only hope the mom that needs to read it will. But I also know, it did you good to write it down and hopefully be able to put it in it's place. These kinds of events with our kids can be so stressful. It certainly is a learning moment and the benefit priceless.
Have a great rest of the weekend. xo

Em said...

I absolutely love this post! I feel like, now that we live in an "all inclusive" society, we, or rather THEY (those that choose to live this BS), are missing out on sooo many teachable moments! I just bumped into one of those missed opportunities last week, when I sent my son to school with a few invites to his bday party. There were 4 boys he wanted to invite, & bc he's only in 2nd grade, that happens to be the only place right now, that he sees these kids. As he went to give the invites to his small circle of friends, he was immediately stopped by the teacher & told he either has to invite the entire class, or no one. When he said it was only a few friends, & she realized it was boys, she then said then u have to invite all the boys. Wellllllllll, we can't do a party at the place he wants with that many kids, bc its just too expensive, & we do t have it like that. So, we had to find ways around this. I, of course, had to make a little rant post, in my own way, lol, as I often do. Most friends said they agreed w me. Some however, said if their kid wasn't invited, theyd be upset or mad that their kid was upset. I repeated what I had stated in my post, which was this... If my son came home, upset bc he was left put of the invite list at someone else's party, I would take this opportunity to teach him a few things. And that is, not everyone can afford to have big parties & invite tons of kids, these things cost a lot of money, & there was probably a cut off limit, & as much as it sucks, not every kid is going to invite u to every thing. To me, it gives me the opportunity to let him see that it's not HIM, it's just sometimes that's how life is, & thats ok. I don't always get invited either, & I am still standing. I feel like it will help me to help him build his self esteem to know that it's not always bc other kids don't like him. Second thing, & this would apply if my son was the ONLY kid not invited, then, I'd have to look at the possibility that this time, maybe it IS him, & more importantly, WHAT can we do to change that? Is MY kid the jerk? Is he mean to others, etc... Amd, I also feel, if my child is only invited bc the school forced it, by saying Oh, if u want invites to go to one, then they go to all, wouldn't that be far more awkward knowing your not there bc the bday kid wanted u there, ur there bc the school made them invite u? I just seeing it as helping him to learn, sometimes these things happen, and when they do, ya it sucks, but your world isn't going to collapse, that nobody bates u, and you won't have to go and eat some worms!! ;) Kids also know, in their hearts, the difference, like if they've Earned the trophy, or if it's given bc everyone just gets one.... And it's going to end up making for a whole generation of insecure, self entitled, feet stompers if its not changed.